34 Ways a Real Dad Spends Father’s Day

This is what Father’s Day looks like when you have a toddler and a baby (and no full time nanny).

1. Wake up at 7am (this is considered sleeping in).

2. Change two poopy diapers.

3. Get yelled at by your toddler about warm milk and vitamins while your wife feeds the baby.

4. Attempt to go back to bed as a special treat on Father’s Day.

5. There’s so much screaming in the kitchen while your wife cooks breakfast that you might as well get up.

6. Eat special Father’s Day breakfast and “open” non-wrapped presents.

7. Play with kids until baby goes down for nap at 9am.

8. Let toddler watch TV while baby naps and watch Chuck on your iPad.

9. When baby wakes up change another poopy diaper.

10. Spent 45 minutes trying to get everyone dressed and ready to go get lunch.

11. Go to Indian restaurant and shove food in your face as fast as possible while trying to keep toddler happy with rice pudding and baby balanced on your lap.

12. Finish lunch in under 30 minutes and load everyone back into car.

13. Go to hardware store with entire family in search of paint for the deck.

14. Try to talk to sales person while holding baby and answering your toddler’s 92,982 questions about screwdrivers.

15. Repeatedly tell toddler not to touch chainsaws.

16. Finally get all of your supplies and get talked into signing up for a rewards card while juggling crying baby and screaming toddler.

17. Make the 20 minute drive home listening to toddler complain about chipmunks.

18. Put both kids down for afternoon nap and breathe sigh of relief.

19. Spend entire 2 hour nap turning your utility room into a craft room for the babysitter.

20. Both kids wake up and toddler wants to “help” you.

21. Take her outside and alternate pulling up weeds with playing guess which hand the rock is in.

22. Accomplish very little. Supplement with Father’s Day Beer.

23. Get baby ready for bed and take toddler back outside while wife nurses baby.

24. Spend 1 hour trying to get toddler to poop before bed (she doesn’t poop).

25. Get toddler ready for bed and answer her 17 requests for particular toys, a drink of water, etc.

26. Toddler gets out of bed. Put her back.

27. Toddler gets out of bed again and you find her in the disney princess castle with a pooped diaper.

28. Change her diaper and sing Old MacDonald while she sits on the potty because she “has to go doodoo more”.

29. Twenty minutes later and she still hasn’t pooped in the potty.

30. Set 2 minute timer and tell her she has to go to bed when it beeps.

31. Put fresh diaper on and put her back in bed one final time.

32. Watch one more episode of Chuck.

33. Take weekly shower. Realize you never had dinner

34. Give wife a kiss and go to bed.